A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his

arm.His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case

of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."


An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to

a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would

make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut

out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very

pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's

knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain,

the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was

terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as

the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was

conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there

was a ghastly accident.

Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of

your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"


Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The

Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the

pins and throwing them back.


In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six

months of poor snowmobiling.


One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub

together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as

they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of

their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued

drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over

the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"


A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for

some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"


On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to

count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But

Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.

At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's

because you are from Newfoundland, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite

the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but

Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only

the letter "m".

That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained

to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking

showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he

seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked

his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times

bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"

"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"


An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They

were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died

before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the

American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and

nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a

beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing

at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were

all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to

the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50,

and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the

other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the

price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."


Submitted by: Shane Decoste @ petro-canada.ca