Democrats vs. Republicans:
It all really just boils down to this:
ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift
| chance | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift
| sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift
species | | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift
| sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift
| health care | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95
000,000,000 | (cost of one sword)
l
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: Ramesh Gaonkar <gaonkarr@GOLIATH.SUNYOCC.EDU>
Subject: Weekend Joke Before Grading Begins
> > Three engineers were discussing the nature of God. The first said, "When
> > you consider the complex structure of the skeleton and the muscles, it's
> > obvious that God must be a mechanical engineer." Said the 2nd: "No. The
thing that makes
> > that makes a human being human is the brain and nervous system. When you
> > consider all the electrical signals that must be transmitted and processed,
> > it's clear that God is an electrical engineer" 3rd guy: "You're both wrong
.
> > Only a civil engineer would put a waste disposal pipeline right through a
> > recreational area."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> The president of a large managed health care facility also served
>on the board of his community's symphony orchestra. Finding that he could
>not go to one of the concerts, he gave his tickets to the company's
>director of health care cost containment. The next morning, he asked the
>director how he enjoyed the performance. Instead of the usual polite
>remarks, the director handed him a memo which read as follows:
>
> The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations
>relative to the performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony" by this
>city's symphony orchestra as observed under actual working conditions:
> A. The attendance of the conductor is unnecessary for the public
>performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the prior
>authorization from the conductor to play the symphony at a predetermined
>level of quality. Considerable money could be saved merely by having the
>conductor critique the orchestra's performance during a retrospective peer
>review meeting.
> B. For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to
>do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the whole
>orchestra, thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity.
> C. All 12 violins were playing identical notes with identical
>motions. This is unnecessary duplication: the staff of this section should
>be cut drastically with consequent savings.If a large volume of sound is
>required, this could be obtained through electronic amplification, which
>has reached high levels of reproductive quality.
> D. Much effort was expanded playing 16th notes or semi-quavers.
>This seems an excessive refinement, as most listeners are unable to
>distinguish such rapid playing. It is recomended that all notes be rounded
>up to eighth. If this is done, it would also be possible to use trainees
>and lower grade musicians with no loss of quality.
> E. No useful purpose would be appear to be served by repeating with
>horns the same passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all
>such redundant passages were eliminated, as a determined by the utilization
>review committee, the concert would have been reduced from two hours to
>about 20 minutes, resulting in substantial savings in salaries and
>overhead. In fact, if Schubert had addressed these concerns on a cost
>containment basis, he probably would have been able to finish this symphony!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>>>College Seniors vs. Freshmen
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
>>>Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
>>>Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
>>>Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a
>>> recitation class.
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
>>>Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
>>>Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
>>>Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
>>>Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
>>>Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box
>>> of pop tarts in hand.
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
>>>Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
>>>Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.
>>>
>>>Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
>>>Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
>>>
>>>Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
>>>Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
>>>
>>>Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
>>>Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year
>>>
>>>Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
>>>Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm
>>>
>>>Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
>>>Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
>>
>>>Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer
>>>
>>>Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional
>>> questions
>>>Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...
>>>
>>>Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
>>>Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus
>>>
>>>Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him,
>>> the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to
>>> expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
>>>Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
>>>
>>>Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
>>>Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: Hugh Brown <EB6479@CNSVAX.ALBANY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: You Just Might Be a Grad Student If...
You just might be a grad student if:
...you can identify universities by their internet domains.
...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
...you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes.
...you understand jokes about Foucoult.
...the concept of free time scares you.
...you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
...you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually
studied.
...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
...the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the
readings anyway.
...you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to
go to a library.
...you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty
hours out of the day you have to work.
...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll
get over it).
...you can read course books and cook at the same time.
...you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can
come.
...you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more
studying in.
...you've ever worn out a library card.
...you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
...you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
RE: Actual Newspaper Headlines: Say what you mean ?
Teacher strike idle kids
Squad helps dog bit victim
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Stolen painting found by tree
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Stud tires out
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
Iraqi head seaks arms
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject: Mid-week humor: You may be an engineer if ....
>From: Michael Vignogna <VIGNOGNA.MICHAEL@SMA1.MCCLELLAN.AF.MIL>
YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to
find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test
that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door
opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the
antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own
nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing
games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters
your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember
where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they
work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush
up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel
and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what
RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV
with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew
up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size
screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this
week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they
didn't get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your
garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to
explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.
Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, salt substrates - jg)
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> How to Tell If You're a REAL Teacher
>
>Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty
>meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been
>seen grading in church.
>
>Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school
>day.
>
>Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
>
>Real teachers always carry red pens and strong opinions.
>
>Real teachers cluch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the
>margins of books.
>
>Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up
>the line.
>
>Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the
>chair.
>
>Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without
>turning their backs on the class.
>
>Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and
>elasticity of kidneys and bladders.
>
>Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes,
>18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
>
>Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open
>House.
>
>Real teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are
>scheduled.
>
>Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth
>graders.
>
>Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask
>permission.
>
>Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from
>Blockbuster.
>
>Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the
>six weeks.
>
>Real teachers never assign research papers on the last six weeks or
>essays on final exams.
>
>Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time
>from their classroom to the office.
>
>Real teachers can "sense" gum.
>
>Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought
>to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.
>
>Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain
>forest.
>
>Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
>
>Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
>
>Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam's.
>
>Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/teachers'
>lounge.
>
>Real teachers never plan discussions for first period or cooperative
>groups for seventh period during an evaluation.
>
>Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone
>numbers.
>
>Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.
>
>Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.
>
>Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to
>listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely
>non-expendable.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
News Release: New Element Discovered
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no protons
or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have:
1 neutron.
125 assistant neutrons
75 vice-neutrons
111 assistant vice-neutrons
This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in
contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum
causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have
normally occured in less than one second.
Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant
vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass
actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities and
can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained
buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it
is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results
to date are not promising.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject: Tips for Proper English
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
(Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word
to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences,
as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun
with singular nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. The adverb always follows the verb.
40. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael J. Davey
English Department
Ohio State University
davey.10@postbox.acs.ohio-state.edu
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Date: Sun, 11 Feb 1996 12:56:20 -0600
From: Bob Woodward <rsw@wubios.wustl.edu>
Subject: From the mouths of ... insurance forms [HEALTHRE]
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
possible words:
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plant all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came our of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood
of my car.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.
I thought my window was down but I found out it was up when I put my head
through it.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HUNTING AN ELEPHANT IN THE 90s
>
> MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything
> that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
>
> EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least
>one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
>
> PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique
>elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as
>an exercise for their graduate students.
> COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
> 1. Go to Africa.
> 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
> 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
> alternately east and west.
> 4. During each traverse pass, a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each
> animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected.
>
> EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known
>elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
>
> ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands
>and knees.
>
> DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when
>they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query:
>
> SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS
> 2 WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL'
> 3 AND SIZE = 'LARGE'
> 4 AND COLOR = 'GRAY'
> 5 AND TRUNK = 'YES'
> 6 AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;
>
> ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
>random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15
>percent of any previously observed elephant.
>
> SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants
>as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their
>environment.
>
> ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are
>paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
>
> STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
>elephant.
> CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
>all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
>
> OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat
>size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if
>someone else will only identify the elephants.
>
> POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you
>catch with the people who voted for them.
>
> LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
>about who owns the droppings.
>
> SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look
>and feel of one dropping.
>
> VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt
>elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice
>president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all
>possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees
>them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other
>words, a live one) the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen
>eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
>
> SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption
>that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
>
> QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the
>other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
>
> SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
>they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
>
> SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an
>invoice for an elephant.
>
> HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
>desktop elephant
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Date: Sat, 20 Jan 1996 10:34:02 -0500
From: Joe Codde <coddejos@PILOT.MSU.EDU>
Subject: Enjoyable quotes and their source
I am forwarding this list of quotes that I received on another list from
---------------QUOTES FORWARDED ------------------------
>>From: Small Farm Animal <twilliam@crl.com>
>>Subject: A Great Collection of Quotes
>>
>>>I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
>>>and give the wrong answers.
>>> -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
>>>
>>>A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
>>>
>>>The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
>>>involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
>>>hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;
>>>3. feeding; and 4. mating.
>>> -- Psychology professor in
>>> neuropsychology intro course
>>>
>>>What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the
>>>unfit, to do the unnecessary.
>>> -- Richard Harkness,
>>> The New York Times, 1960
>>>
>>>Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of
>>>all the radio stations in Chicago ... we're one of them."
>>>
>>>With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three
>>>thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the
>>>constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who
>>>continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
>>> -- Ransom K. Ferm
>>>
>>>Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
>>>
>>>Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench
>>>to pound in the correct screw.
>>>
>>>The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
>>>The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
>>>The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
>>> cost?"
>>>The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
>>> with that?"
>>>
>>>Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had
>>>years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet,
>>>make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
>>> -- Dave Barry
>>>
>>>I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
>>>because I hate plants.
>>> -- A. Whitney Brown
>>>
>>>A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
>>>rearranging their prejudices.
>>> -- William James
>>>
>>>Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of
>>>tapes hurtling down the highway.
>>> -- Andrew Tannenbaum
>>>
>>>We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom
>>>that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that
>>>sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot
>>>stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit
>>>down on a cold one anymore.
>>> -- Mark Twain
>>>
>>>There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in
>>>the streets?
>>> -- Dick Cavett,
>>> mocking the TV-violence debate
>>>
>>>If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
>>>an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
>>>without even considering if there are men on base.
>>> -- Dave Barry
>>>
>>>I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist
>>>seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick
>>>writers and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer
>>>from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering
>>>relatives at fancy dress balls.
>>> -- Editor of the Limerick Times
>>> (Limerick, Ireland)
>>>
>>>When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
>>>
>>>Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your
>>>triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion
>>>Chinese couldn't care less.
>>>
>>>668: The Neighbor of the Beast
>>>
>>>Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
>>>straps.
>>> -- Emo Phillips
>>>
>>>Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
>>>
>>>Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
>>>mistake when you make it again.
>>> -- F. P. Jones
>>>
>>>Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to
>>>learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for
>>>their apparent disinclination to do so.
>>> -- Douglas Adams,
>>> Last Chance to See
>>>
>>>As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
>>>important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying
>>>me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
>>> -- Hunter S. Thompson's
>>> Samoan Attorney
>>>
>>>When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
>>>a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the
>>>God the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't
>>>believe?"
>>> -- Quentin Crisp
>>>
>>>Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between
>>>two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the
>>>imaginary rights of another.
>>> -- Ambrose Bierce,
>>> The Devil's Dictionary
>>>
>>>I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick
>>>and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up
>>>in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not!
>>>But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
>>> -- Monty Python
>>>
>>>May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
>>> -- George Carlin
>>>
>>>Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
>>>
>>>Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
>>>revolution inevitable.
>>> -- John F. Kennedy
>>>
>>>Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning
>>>of which I disapprove.
>>> -- Ashleigh Brilliant
>>>
>>>My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
>>> -- Ashleigh Brilliant
>>>
>>>
>>>Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
>>>
>>>Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less
>>>confusing that way.
>>>
>>>Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
>>>think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1.
>>>Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President.
>>>3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
>>> -- David Letterman
>>>
>>>Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I
>>>predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile
>>>disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether
>>>I embrace your principles or your mistress."
>>>
>>>For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow
>>>but phone calls taper off.
>>> -- Johnny Carson
>>>
>>>The most important thing in the programming language is the name.
>>>A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently
>>>invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable
>>>language.
>>> -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
>>>
>>>A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when
>>>you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in
>>>what's left of your unit.
>>> -- In the August 1993 issue, page
>>>9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
>>>
>>>Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but
>>>they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots
>>>in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in
>>>the front?
>>>
>>>On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor
>>>Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To
>>>which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the
>>>lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
>>>
>>>Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts
>>>avoiding you.
>>> -- Old Farmer's Almanac
>>>
>>>G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
>>>EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
>>>and scatter oneself over a wide area."
>>> -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
>>>
>>>The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
>>> -- Plutarch
>>>
>>>The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
>>> -- Salvador Dali
>>>
>>>I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to
>>>anyone, but they've always worked for me.
>>> -- Hunter S. Thompson
>>>
>>>Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
>>> -- Mark Twain
>>>
>>>Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either.
>>> -- From "Basic Sex Facts For
>>>Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_ by Matt Groening
>>>
>>>"Time's fun when you're having flies."
>>> -- Kermit the Frog
>>>
>>>Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone
>>>wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than
>>>one night."
>>> -- Charlie Brown,
>>> _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]
>>> Thanks to: Bryan Simmons for this contribution
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> "The Internet FunnyBone" is not a "LISTSERVE" but a large mailing
>>> alias that I maintain. To be added or dropped from this list,
>>> please send a message to the e-mail
>>> address on the right that includes - Greg -
>>> YOUR FULL NAME. If you have any
>>> material you'd like to see here, gunn56@inslab.uky.edu
>>> please forward it to me." NeXT Mail accepted
>>> Thanks - Enjoy!
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Date: Fri, 12 Jan 1996 12:53:57 -0500
From: Joyce Gordon <joyceg@CAPACCESS.ORG>
Subject: Funnies (humorous writing tips)
okay you literate types, this forwarded list is for you!
> following is a collection of writing tips that I saw in a magazine:
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
> Like the virgin prairie for the explorer, metaphors are pregnant with
> possibility, but don't mix them.
>
> It behooves the writer to avoid archaic expressions.
>
>Never a proposition use to end a sentence with
>
> One should not shift from the third person to the second person when you
> write.
>
> I once read that splitting modifiers was wrong in the library.
>
> It is generally recommended that the use of the passive be minimized.
>
> Write assertively, I think.
>
> The party of the first part (hereinafter known as "the writer") hereby
> advises the party of the second part (hereinafter known as "the reader")
> that it is consummately an excellent idea to be concise.
>
> A sentence containing a parenthetical phrase (must be a complete sentence)
> without that phrase.
>
> Avoid the use of vulgarisms that might piss off the reader.
>
> Don't abbr. unnecessarily.
>
> Avoid rephrasing, which is, in other words, paraphrasing or rewording of a
> statement, sort of like repeating it.
>
> I've told you a million times not to exaggerate.
>
> Ambiguity is more or less undesirable.
>
> Vary your style. Vary your style. Vary your style.
>
> Hyperbole is the worst mistake you can possibly make.
>
> You will die horribly if you are overdramatic!
>
> Boise, Idaho's 7327 English teachers agree that all statistics should be
> verified.
>
> Don't verbify nouns.
>
> I have traveled all over the world, known many important people, received
> many degrees, and have learned that it is in bad taste to use yourself as an
> expert example even though I am one.
>
> djust the margins before print
> opy of the completed docume
>
> When choosing among two, make the best choice. Between three or more, pick
> the better one.
>
> Avoid overuse of rhetorical questions. Know what I mean?
>
> I could care less about expressions that mean the opposite of what they say.
>
> Vary sentence length. Conformity is boring.
>
> Be sure to use the correct word accept in certain cases.
>
> Don't use no double negatives.
>
> Alwaes chek you're speeling.
>
> Avoid cliches like the plague.
>
> Alway-s hyp-henate appr-opriately.
>
> Each pronoun should match their subject.
>
> Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
>
> Try to not split infinitives.
>
> Don't be repetitively redundant or repetitious.
>
> Never use too many exclamation points!!!!!!!
> Barbara Camwell Ness
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Date: Fri, 12 Jan 1996 09:21:35 -0800
From: Jack Baker <jdbaker@UCDAVIS.EDU>
Subject: Bosnia news (Ffunnies)
>>>CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
>>>
>>>Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
>>>
>>>Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President
>>>Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn
>>>region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American
>>>history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters
>>>A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more
>>>pronounceable.
>>>
>>>"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr
>>>and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,"
>>>Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say
>>>'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in
>>>their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in
>>>this noble endeavour."
>>>
>>>The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State Department,
>>>is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv
>>>and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport
>>>planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from
>>>Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over
>>>the cities.
>>>
>>>Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the
>>>vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg
>>>Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name
>>>that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please
>>>send my poor family just one 'E.' Please."
>>>Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I
>>>could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
>>>
>>>.. <portions euthanized>
>>>
>>>The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a
>>>foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US
>>>shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua,
>>>Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.
>>>The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of
>>>the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting
>>>warlords
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Date: Fri, 12 Jan 1996 02:16:22 -0800
From: Richard Cummins <chinook@TELEVAR.COM>
Subject: friday funnies
#A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
#Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.
#Goldenstern's Rules:
1. Always hire a rich attorney
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
#First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
#Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
#Finagle's third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously
correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
#Chicken Little was right.
# Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
#POLITICIAN: From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or
"face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face). Hence
'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
#It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.
--Errol Flynn
#Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
--Don Marquis
#Nostalgia is a seductive liar.
--George Ball
#Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
--George Ade
#An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be
devoured.
--Konrad Adenauer
#A house is not a home.
--Polly Adler, American madam.
#Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
--Lily Tomlin
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Quotes part 7
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Virus Outbreak! (This IS a joke!) 16.11.95
>>
>> Federal Bureaucrat Virus -- Divides your hard disk
>> into hundreds of little units, each of which do
>> practically nothing, but all of which claim to be
>> the most important part of the computer.
>>
>> Dan Quayle Virus -- Their is sumthing rong with
>> your compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt.
>>
>> Gallup Poll Virus -- Sixty percent of the PC's
>> infected will lose 38% of their data 14 percent of
>> the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error)
>>
>> Paul Revere Virus -- revolutionary virus doesn't
>> horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk
>> attack once if by LAN, twice if by C:
>>
>> Politically Correct Virus -- never calls itself a
>> "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
>> "electronic micro-organism."
>>
>> Right to Life Virus -- Won't allow you to delete a
>> file regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to
>> erase a file, it requires you first see a counselor
>> about possible alternatives.
>>
>> Ross Perot Virus -- Activates every component in
>> your system just before the whole thing quits.
>>
>> Mario Cuomo Virus -- It would be a great virus, but
>> it refuses to run.
>>
>> Oprah Winfrey Virus -- Your 200 MB hard drive
>> suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, then slowly expands back
>> to 200 MB
>>
>> ATT Virus -- Every three minutes it tells you what
>> great service your getting
>>
>> MCI Virus -- Every three minutes it reminds you
>> that you are paying too much for the ATT Virus
>>
>> Ted Turner Virus -- Colorizes your monochrome
>> monitor
>>
>> Arnold Schwarzennegger Virus -- Terminates and
>> stays resident. It'll be back!
>>
>> Government Economist Virus -- Nothing works, but
>> all your diagnostic software says everything is
>> fine.
>>
>> New World Order Virus -- Probably harmless, but it
>> makes a lot of people really mad just thinking
>> about it.
>>
>> Terry Randle Virus -- Yells "Oh no you don't"
>> whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry,
>> Fail" message.
>>
>> Texas Virus -- Makes sure that it's bigger than any
>> other file.
>>
>> Adam and Eve Virus -- Takes a couple of bytes out
>> of your Apple.
>>
>> Michael Jackson Virus -- Hard to identify because
>> it is constantly altering its appearance. This
>> virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your
>> car.
>>
>> Congressional Virus -- The computer locks up,
>> screen splits erratically with a message appearing
>> on each half blaming the other side for the
>> problem.
>>
>> Airline Virus -- You're in Dallas, but your data is
>> in Singapore.
>>
>> Freudian Virus -- Your computer becomes obsessed
>> with marrying its own motherboard.
>>
>> PBS Virus -- Your PC stops every few minutes to ask
>> for money.
>>
>> Elvis Virus -- Your computer gets fat, slow and
>> lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at
>> shopping malls and service stations across rural
>> America.
>>
>> Ollie North Virus -- Turns your printer into a
>> document shredder.
>>
>> Nike Virus -- Just Does It!
>>
>> Sears Virus -- Your data won't appear unless you
>> buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
>>
>> Jimmy Hoffa Virus -- Nobody can find it.
>>
>> Congressional Virus -- Runs every program on the
>> hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the
>> user to accomplish anything.
>>
>> Kevorkian Virus -- Helps your computer shut down
>> whenever it wants to.
>>
>> Imelda Marcos Virus -- Sings you a song (slightly
>> off key) on boot up then subtracts money from your
>> Quicken account and spends it all on expensive
>> shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
>>
>> Star Trek Virus -- Invades your system in places
>> where no virus has gone before.
>>
>> Health Care Virus -- Test your system for a day,
>> finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for
>> $4,500.
>>
>> George Bush Virus -- It starts by boldly stating,
>> "Read my test....no new files!" on the screen,
>> proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard
>> drive with new files, then blames it on the
>> Congress Virus.
>>
>> Cleveland Indians Virus -- Makes your 486/50
>> machine perform like a 286/AT.
>>
>> LAPD Virus -- It claims it feels threatened by the
>> other files on your PC and erases them in
>> "self-defense."
>>
>> Chicago Cubs Virus -- Your PC makes frequent
>> mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you
>> still love it.
>>
>> Educational Restructuring Virus - Renames all your
>> *.com and *.exe files (or system files, if it's a
>> MAC) and puts them into new subdirectories, but has
>> no effect on the day-to-day operation of your
>> computer.
>>
>> (Courtesy of Michael Power, Everettmp@aol.com)
>> Christian Coalition Stealth Virus - Keep telling
>> you it's harmless while it secretly destroys your
>> files, your hard drive, and any attached
>> peripherals. Only known removal program is called
>> CritThink Plus, which deconstructs the virus.
>>
>> (Courtesy of Brent Yaciw, AthAlFLB@aol.com)
>> Windows 95 Virus - Makes your 486/50 machine
>> perform like a 286/AT
>>
>> (Courtesy of Cassady Kent, Mlck@cnct.com)
>> Affirmative Action Virus - The computer is very
>> capable of doing the job, but no one believes you
>> because they "know" that you only purchased it
>> because it was off-white.
>>
>> Liberal Virus - The computer runs like a dream with
>> you at the keyboard and has for years, but, now,
>> every 5 seconds a message demands, "this machine
>> would operate much better if you'd let the
>> government operate the keyboard for you...of course
>> it's going to cost you...we all must make some
>> sacrifices."
>>
>> Socialist Virus - You worked hard and purchased a
>> computer, but now all your neighbors have to have
>> one before yours will operate (and you must
>> purchase theirs as well).
>>
>> Bill Clinton Virus - Men fought and died for the
>> machine but it refuses to run except to protest the
>> men who fought and died...then years later it
>> claims to be "the best machine that ever ran." (I
>> feel its pain)
>>
>> (Courtesy of Paula, paulap@efn.org)
>> Ronald Reagan Virus - Files look great on the
>> outside. Open up the files and they are blank.
>>
>> (Courtesy of Joanna Pankoke,
>> Jpankoke@esu6.esu6.k12.ne.us)
>> Michael Jordan Virus - was a phenomenal PC virus,
>> but became an ineffective MAC virus and ... oops,
>> it changed back to a PC virus, still quite good but
>> too late to make much difference.
>>
>> Newt Gingrich Virus - scans the internal revenue
>> files to check your annual income and, if under
>> $30,000, deletes all your programs.
>
>> (Courtesy of George Matthew Houtman,
>> georgeh@tenet.edu)
>> The Historical Revisionist Virus - claims that the
>> computer was never there
>>
>> (Courtesy of T. Vargas, TVarga@aol.com)
>> The Mainstream Media Virus - Takes over your
>> machines at random intervals to bring you a
>> "special report" on all the "dangerous" viruses to
>> watch out for (especially Heartless Repub-virus,
>> Radical Rush-Limbo virus, Dangerous Christian
>> Coalition Virus, etc.) and urges you to do
>> something quick! Then it breaks for five minutes of
>> commercials. It's harmless but annoying.
>>
>> (Courtesy of Ted Drude,
>> tbdrude@hsv23.pcmail.ingr.com)
>> Anna Nicole Virus - Will attach itself only to
>> older, memory and hard drive rich computers. Will
>> sing off key at the death of the computer only to
>> resurface later with another older, memory hard
>> drive rich computer
>>
>> OJ Virus - Will slash and delete files, run off,
>> leave little evidence it was there and the
>> anti-virus program will not be able to prove it was
>> really there.
>>
>> Televangelist Virus - God will call your computer
>> home unless you buy more memory with hard cache.
>> Cries about being caught in some remote spot of
>> your computer when your internet downloads.
>>
>> Orkin Virus - kills only those computers with mice.
>>
>> If you have any interesting jokes/comments send
>> them to jokes@icomm.co.uk
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Date: Fri, 15 Dec 1995 14:41:33 -0600
From: John Malone <jmalone@AIX1.UCOK.EDU>
Subject: a little humor
This is meant to be funny. Hope nobody finds it offensive and that
everyone gets a little chuckle...
Psychiatric Hot Line: Ring...Ring...Click
You have reached the Psychiatric Hot Line.
In order to serve you better, please choose from the following menu with
your touch tone phone.
"If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press one repeatedly."
"If you are co-dependent, please ask someone else to press two."
"If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6."
"If you are paronoid delusional, we know who you are and where you live.
Stay on the line until we knock on the door."
"If you are schizophrenic, please wait until the little voice tells you
what number to press."
"If you are depressed, it doesn't matter what number you press. No one
will answer because they don't care!"
"If you are delusional with hallucinations, please be aware that the
thing you are holding to the side of your head is alive and is about to
bite your ear off."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 1995 10:26:53 MST
From: "IRENE SNYDER SCHWARTING" <IRENE@freud.sbs.utah.edu>
Subject: a humerous note
Skinner took a squirrel
And put it in a box.
And if it ever misbehaved,
He gave it lots of shocks.
He made it run through mazes
To get a little food
And only Skinner was surprised
When the squirrel came unglued.
People aren't squirrels
No matter how it seems
Old Skinner just could not explain
Langage, jokes, and dreams.
Our minds are simply too complex
To fit his schema well.
But when that squirrel salivates
Skinner always rings a bell.
Freud sat in his study
And listened all day long
To wealthy German women
Saying this or that was wrong.
"I cannot move my arm" one said,
Or "I'm scared of train wrecks."
Freud said "My opinion is
It has to do with SEX!"
"Now come and see me every day
For ten or twenty years
And when we're done I'll have your cash
But you'll have lost your fears".
Rogers said "Just be yourself
That's all you need to do
To be an undergraduate
At good old OSU."
Like any other therapy
His results were assured
There was just one little problem:
His clients came in cured!
+++ ++++ ++++ +++++ +++++ +++++ +++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a
>gun with two bullets. What should you do?
>
>Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp
>new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills
>had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.
>
>The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
>"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?"
>asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions
>gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
>
>"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."
>
>"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over
>$100 when we broke in!"
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's
>senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
>
>"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.
>
>"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist
>answered.
>
>"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.
>
>The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid
>Mr. Smith passed away last night."
>
>"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.
>
>"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated
>receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."
>
>"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often
>enough."
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to
>time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
>capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
>
>After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck
>up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said,
>"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains
>out."
>
>But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
>Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's
>message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was
>buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
>
>"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
>
>The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot
>me.'"
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who
>had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its
>decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately
>sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client
>wired back, "Appeal at once!"
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked.
>"Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 16:16:00 EST
From: DSB <jjh91231@PEGASUS.CC.UCF.EDU>
Subject: An Item of Humor...
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
____________________University
To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get
into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a
copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________
****************************************************************************
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>>>> College News
>>>>
>>>>Dear Parent(s), Date: ______________
>>>>
>>>>I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of
>>>>interest to both of us.
>>>>
>>>>Please send:
>>>> __ Money (Cash)! Amount: _________________________
>>>> __ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
>>>> __ Clean clothes!
>>>>
>>>>Relationships:
>>>> __ What?
>>>> __ I am in love with myself
>>>> __ I am in love!
>>>> __ I am engaged
>>>> __ I got married last weekend
>>>>
>>>>My Roommate:
>>>> __ Worships the ground I walk on
>>>> __ Gave me a black eye
>>>> __ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
>>>> __ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
>>>> __ Has fleas
>>>>
>>>>My Professors are:
>>>> __ Sadistic water walkers
>>>> __ Mental institution escapees
>>>> __ Brain dead nerds
>>>> __ Super oxygen thieves
>>>>
>>>>Latest News:
>>>> __ I wrecked the car
>>>> __ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
>>>> __ You are going to have a grandchild
>>>> __ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild
>>>>
>>>>Food:
>>>> __ Is great!
>>>> __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
>>>> __ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals
>>>>
>>>>Health:
>>>> __ I have gained _____ pounds
>>>> __ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
>>>> __ My HIV test was: _____ positive _____ negative (check only one)
>>>> __ I died yesterday!
>>>>
>>>>Grades:
>>>> __ I am making all A's
>>>> __ I am not being properly challenged
>>>> __ I will be home after this semester
>>>>
>>>>I study:
>>>> __ Night and day
>>>> __ All the time
>>>> __ 80 hours a week
>>>> __ Only on Sunday afternoon
>>>> __ None of the above
>>>>
>>>>Daily Devotions:
>>>> __ I read my Bible everyday
>>>> __ I can't read
>>>> __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars
>>>>
>>>>On my last visit home, I left:
>>>> __ My glasses
>>>> __ My paper that was due yesterday
>>>> __ The clothes you washed for me
>>>> __ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
>>>> __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
>>>> __ Other _____________________________________________
>>>> Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)
>>>>
>>>>Laundry:
>>>> __ My white underwear is now _________________
>>>> __ I am saving money by not using detergent
>>>> __ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
>>>> __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains
>>>>
>>>>My room:
>>>> __ Can pass your "white glove" test
>>>> __ Is only _____% full
>>>> __ Could not be located last Saturday night
>>>> __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training
>>>>
>>>>Parties:
>>>> __ I don't inhale
>>>> __ I only go to meet people
>>>> __ Haven't been to one since this morning
>>>>
>>>>Hope you:
>>>> __ Miss me
>>>> __ Can live without me
>>>> __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
>>>>
>>>>Salutation:
>>>> __ Your Daughter,
>>>> __ Your Son,
>>>> __ Yours,
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> __________________________________________________
>>>> Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
>>>> Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark ("X").
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: Richard Cummins <rcummins@ctc.ctc.edu>
>Subject: FW: Headlines you probably missed (fwd)
From a buddy of mine at UCSB
==========================
>>Subject: FW: Headlines you probably missed (fwd)
>>----------
>>ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
>>
>>Grandmother of Eight Makes Makes Hole in One
>>Deaf Mute gets New Hearing in Killing
>>Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
>>House Passes Gas Tax onto Senate
>>Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
>>Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
>>Wiliam Kelly was Fed Secretary
>>Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
>>Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
>>Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
>>Farmer Bill Dies in House
>>Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
>>
>>SOME BECOME UNINTENTIONALLY SUGGESTIVE:
>>Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
>>Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
>>Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
>>Panda Mating Fails--Veterinarian Takes Over
>>NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
>>Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
>>Dr Ruth to Talk About Sex with Newspaper Editors
>>Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
>>
>>GRAMMAR OFTEN BOTCHES OTHER HEADLINES:
>>Eye Drops Off Shelf
>>Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
>>Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
>>Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
>>Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests
>>Miners Refuse to Work after Death
>>Two Soviet Ships Collide-One Dies
>>Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter
>>
>>ONCE IN A WHILE, A BOTCHED HEADLINE TAKES ON A MEANING OPPOSITE FROM THE ONE
>>INTENDED:
>>Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One
>>Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
>>Drunk Drivers Paid $1000 in 1984
>>Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to Do Better
>>
>>SOMETIMES NEWSPAPER EDITORS STATE THE OBVIOUS:
>>If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
>>War Dims Hope for Peace
>>Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency
>>Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
>>Child's Death Ruins Couples Holiday
>>Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
>>Man is Fatally Slain
>>Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
>>Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation
>>
Thanks to Richard Cummins for an excellent contribution to our effort
to lighten up on Fridays.
A few of my favorites in this vein come from student papers:
(Imponderable:) "A persons atmosphere tends to shape a persons speaking
ability."
(The intense inane:)"A house is a shelter from all kinds of weather, as
well as a place to live!"
(and/or:) "An ambulance is an emergency vehicle for transporting sick or
injured people to the hospital."
"Americans take their automobiles for granite." (Want a piece of the
rock?)
"Are animals in zoos unhappy? Unfortunately, they can't speak to tell us
so the point is mute."
"The future of our nation has so many question marks that want to be
answered!" (Didn't know they were ringing!)
(And my all-time favorite:) "For all intense porpoises, the matter is
settled."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
IN A WHILE, A BOTCHED HEADLINE TAKES ON A MEANING OPPOSITE FROM THE ONE>>INTENDED:>>Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One>>Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy>>Drunk Drivers Paid $1000 in 1984>>Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to Do Better>>>>SOMETIMES NEWSPAPER EDITORS STATE THE OBVIOUS:>>If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While>>War Dims Ho> I could care less about expressions that mean the opposite of what they say.>> Vary sentence length. Conformity is boring.>> Be sure to use the correct word accept in certain cases.>> Don't use no double negatives.>> Alwaes chek you're speeling.>> Avoid cliches like the plague.>> Alway-s hyp-henate appr-opriately.>> Each pronoun should match their subject.>> Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.>> Try to not split infinitives.>> Don't be repetitively redundant or repetitious.>> Never use too many exclamation points!!!!!!!> Barbara Camwell Ness++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Date: Fri, 12 Jan 1996 09:21:35 -0800From: Jack Baker <jdbaker@UCDAVIS.EDU>Subject: Bosnia news (Ffunnies)>>>CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA>>>>>>Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients>>>>>>Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President>>>Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn>>>region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American>>>history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters>>>A,E,I,O and U, and is hope
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 12:33:01 -0700
From: Richard Cummins <cummins3@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Humor
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 19491999I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.1999 --Thomas Watson,chairman of IBM, 19431999I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with thebest people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that wonTuesday, December 14, 1999tlast out the year.1999 --The editor in charge of business books for PrenticeHall, 19571999But what ... is it good for?1999 --Engineer at the Advanced Computing SystemsDivision of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.1999There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.1999 --Ken Olson,president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a
means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for
a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in
response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than
a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor
in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery
service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers,
1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone
With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca
Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president,
Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer
Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It"
Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built
with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll
give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for
you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said,
'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple
Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested
in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and
the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He
seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921
New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to
accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight
training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by
inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're
crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill
for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving
Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell,
Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet,
Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British
surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
Richard Cummins Faculty of Humanities Columbia Basin College
Pasco, WA 99301 (509) 547-051
---- The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes -----
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None a ya damn business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
A': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks/FSE's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None.
That's a software problem.
A': None. They always work in the dark!!!!
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A:
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one,
but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A:: None of your damn business!
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None.
("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb? A:
1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One
to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five: One to
change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None,
but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to
screw it in, and another to repent.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats not funny!!!
Q': How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? A': It's "Women"
and it's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None.
If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:
Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A'":Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they
carry their own light with them.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Notes: This has also been said of Virginians.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None.
They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three.
One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One
to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to
hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The entire
team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. There
never *was* any lightbulb.
Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: the
question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Sorry, that
item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was
lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to
change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
being changed.
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him
down off the keg.
A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the
room spins.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one. He
holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic
was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" A: None,
Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:
Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb? A: 45. One to
change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many junkies does it take?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? A: Just one,
provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They
consider this joke to be a discrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None.
Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,0000
- to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
(Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb? A: No, big
daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, one to
screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: That
depends on how many defective bulbs they brought.
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to
screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to
screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry,
light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many lightbulb jokes does it take to change a lightbulb joke? A: The
probability that a given lightbulb joke will be submitted to
the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it
will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 .
Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no
submitter of a lightbulb joke ever seems to know it has been
submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
that it will change in a given week is .08 . So it takes about
12.5 lightbulb jokes to change a lightbulb joke.
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A: 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some
minor variation of it!
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a lightbulb joke?
A: 1000: One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does
it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, thats a hardware problem"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
DUMB MEN JOKES
* What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
* How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ..... men will screw anything.
* Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
* What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
* How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
* What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
* How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
* How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!
* What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
* How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know. It's never happened.
* How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken, and the ones that are left are
handicapped.
* What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
* What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phones home.
* What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
* Do you know why there is a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
9/27/93
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
-----------------------------------
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: Come.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are
all in the middle row.
Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Q: WHY IS A BLONDE LIKE AUSTRALIA?
A: They're both down under, and no one cares.
Q: WHY DOES A BLONDE LIKE THE NUMBER 77?
A: She likes to be 8 (ate) more.
Q: WHY DON`T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX?
A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED?
A: Who cares?
Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.
Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
A: Cherry Float
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BLONDE THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE GOLFER WITH AN IQ OF 125?
A: a foursome.
Q: WHAT DO YOU GIVE THE BLONDE WHO HAS EVERYTHING?
A: Penicillin.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost
their popularity?
A: B.J.
Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "All the blondes have gone home!"
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on
Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: WHAT IS BLONDE AND GREEN AND JUMPS FROM BED TO BED?
A: A prostitoad.
Q: WHAT IS 68 TO A BLONDE?
A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds
her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.
Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB?
A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A BITCH?
A: A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you.
Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CORN FARMER WITH EPILEPSY AND A BLONDE WITH
DIARRHEA?
A: One shucks between fits.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.
Q: What's the difference betweena blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around
for two weeks whining.
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless
Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she
has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a
skinny blonde?
A: