An Indian Success Story
Old Chief Gnarled Oak, was turned into a millionaire by the discovery
of oil on his reservation. He fell into the yuppie temptation, and he
was particularly proud and pleased when his two boys were accepted
into the swanky yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming
ambition was to see ... his red sons in the sail set. (By Bennett Cerf)
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about
to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the
Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, ... ‰Beggars can‚t be cruisers.‰
The General's Funeral
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington
National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no
other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a
helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The newspapers reported the
incident with the headlines, ... "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn"
Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in
a hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favors between the
star and the producer. It was just a sham though, she never got any
air time at all. You might even say she was ... shared skit less.
As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a „tilde.‰ Walt
Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's usage, and until
his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it's
potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of
my keyboard, I often feel like ... Walt's in my tilde.
The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or
Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling
to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This
indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation
and left him for good. Moral of the story: ... You can't have your
Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf)
A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were
sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's
name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the
lawyer saying, ... "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy
And, I can always go for a little idle worship. In fact, one of my
favorite grade school Show & Tell projects involved me kidnapping my
sister's vast Barbie doll collection, dressing them as various pagan
goddesses, and hanging them on the elm out front. Instead of the usual
Trinity, this work showed the entire family history of The Maiden,
The Mother, and The Crone. Clearly, ... it was a dolly-tree.
As Quasimodo was taking off for the Bell Ringers‚ Olympics, he tried
to cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead compartment.
„I‚m sorry,‰ said the flight attendant, ... „That‚s only for carillon luggage.‰
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent
piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one
side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan
Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the
official replied, ... "Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply
call "Teds, or Hales!"
Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn
was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine
slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, Mr. Schine
stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was
told, "I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.'" Then, I can
have a portrait painted, and call it ... "Schine on Harvest Moon."
The Wedding Gift
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his
offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their
favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words ... „hiss and hearse‰
The Coal Miner
A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that
his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy
canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.
Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this
week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were
charged in court with having ... "corrupted the murals of a miner."