An Indian Success Story

Old Chief Gnarled Oak, was turned into a millionaire by the discovery

of oil on his reservation. He fell into the yuppie temptation, and he

was particularly proud and pleased when his two boys were accepted

into the swanky yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming

ambition was to see ... his red sons in the sail set. (By Bennett Cerf)

The Panhandler

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about

to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the

Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, ... ‰Beggars can‚t be cruisers.‰

The General's Funeral

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington

National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no

other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a

helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The newspapers reported the

incident with the headlines, ... "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn"


Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in

a hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favors between the

star and the producer. It was just a sham though, she never got any

air time at all. You might even say she was ... shared skit less.

The Tilde

As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a „tilde.‰ Walt

Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's usage, and until

his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it's

potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of

my keyboard, I often feel like ... Walt's in my tilde.


The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or

Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling

to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This

indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation

and left him for good. Moral of the story: ... You can't have your

Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf)

The Lawyer

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were

sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's

name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the

lawyer saying, ... "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy

the balls."

Evil Genealogy

And, I can always go for a little idle worship. In fact, one of my

favorite grade school Show & Tell projects involved me kidnapping my

sister's vast Barbie doll collection, dressing them as various pagan

goddesses, and hanging them on the elm out front. Instead of the usual

Trinity, this work showed the entire family history of The Maiden,

The Mother, and The Crone. Clearly, ... it was a dolly-tree.


As Quasimodo was taking off for the Bell Ringers‚ Olympics, he tried

to cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead compartment.

„I‚m sorry,‰ said the flight attendant, ... „That‚s only for carillon luggage.‰

New Coin

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent

piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one

side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan

Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the

official replied, ... "Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply

call "Teds, or Hales!"


Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn

was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine

slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, Mr. Schine

stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was

told, "I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.'" Then, I can

have a portrait painted, and call it ... "Schine on Harvest Moon."

The Wedding Gift

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his

offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their

favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words ... „hiss and hearse‰

The Coal Miner

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that

his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy

canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.

Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this

week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were

charged in court with having ... "corrupted the murals of a miner."